In this episode of Unpacked by Afar, host Aislyn Greene overcomes the uncertainty that many Americans feel in the new world of tipping. She chats with an etiquette guru and personal finance expert to help you tip with respect to both the people who serve you and to your budget.
Transcript
Aislyn: I think we’ve all been here. You’re at a coffee shop—one you’ve never been to before. You order a latte, tap your card and then . . . duh duh duh: the tip screen. Do you want to tip 5, 10, 15, or 20 percent, it asks?
Usually there’s a little smiley face that seems like an attempt to alleviate the slightly stressful position you’re now in. And it feels like you have less than 10 seconds to answer, and oftentimes the person on the other side of the counter can see exactly what you decide.
I typically tip $1 because I used to work as a barista and because I feel guilty and like I’m a horrible person if I don’t tip. But today’s experts, an etiquette ninja and a personal finance wizard, are here to (sometimes) let us off the hook.
Elaine Swann: Don’t give into the societal pressure: Press the big red, “no tip” button and spin that thing right back around to them and pay for your meal. Really and truly.
Aislyn: I’m Aislyn Greene and this is Unpacked, the podcast that unpacks one tricky topic in travel each week. And this week, we’ve got tips on tipping, that complex, omnipresent social beast that most of us face every day in real life—and certainly when we’re traveling. Those tips include the times it’s OK to say, ’no thanks,” as you just heard from . . .
Elaine: My name is Elaine Swan. I am a lifestyle and etiquette expert and founder of the Swann School of Protocol.
Aislyn: Elaine launched an etiquette consulting business in 2003 and has shared tips and etiquette advice on everything from gift giving to proper tipping ever since. And I have to say, even as someone who has spent many years working for tips: An etiquette expert telling me I don’t have to tip at every turn is such a relief. To help make her case, Elaine explains that the word “tips” started out as something very different.
Elaine: The acronym is: to improve prompt service. And way back in the Victorian days when folks were taking tea in gardens, the amount of time it took to take the tea from the house all the way through to the garden, the tea would eventually become lukewarm. So what happened is people started to put these little tin pans, uh, with a sign on it, “to improve prompt service,” so that the folks who are carrying the water back and forth, they get there quickly. And so that practice became more and more popular and it has evolved into what we see as far as tipping is concerned today.
Aislyn: I truly had no idea TIPS was an acronym. But since the days of cold Victorian tea . . . obviously, things have changed. Just a quick note before we go on: We’ll talk briefly about international travel toward the end of the episode, but for now, most of our tips focus on domestic or North American travel.
Dr. Peters: A couple of things have happened that kind of lead up to where we are in the United States.
Aislyn: That’s Dr Jamie Peters, our second expert. She’s a personal finance guru and a finance dean and professor at Maryville University in St. Louis, Missouri.
Dr. Peters: The first thing is that the United States is one of the few countries that really codified the need to tip. And by—why I’m saying that is that we actually have a different minimum wage for people who can receive tips than people who cannot receive tips or do not typically receive tips, is a better way to put that.
As a result, it’s become ingrained in how we run our businesses, how we deal with our daily lives.
Aislyn: And then came COVID.
Dr. Peters: Where tipping occurred really exploded, OK? Places where we didn’t used to tip, we started tipping because we were like, oh my goodness, a restaurant is open.
At the same time, the movement from cash to electronic-based payments, especially for tips, became a situation where all of a sudden, where we were originally kind of slightly prompted to tip, maybe because there’s a tip jar on the table or something like that, now is a regular part of our swipe or, or, you know, insert for payment of credit card.
Aislyn: Because during COVID, we were told not to use cash: Don’t spread germs! Use plastic! And that shift created a cluster of etiquette issues.
Dr. Peters: How much do you tip? Where do you tip? How much are they going to suggest you tip? Um, and it became so much more in our face than it used to be. And that’s really where we started seeing some backlash, especially as the rest of the world started returning to normal. The tipping situation did not reverse and go back to pre-COVID levels.
Aislyn: I mean I was even at the farmer’s market recently buying kale—just plain kale and I paid with a credit card and the little device asked if I wanted to tip. Um, no? No tipping on kale . . . right??
So now we know how tipping originated and how we got to where we are. What next? Well, the first thing to remember is that, at least in the United States, you still need to carry cash when you travel. Tip number two: The current standard for good service in the United States is 20 percent.
Dr. Peters: It’s no longer 10 percent. That was something for your parents or your grandparents to have tipped; 20 percent is common. And then think about it this way, that wage has not increased. That $2.35 has not increased despite us going through a huge pace of inflation.
So if you’re not tipping 20 percent, then you’re probably going to be underpaying your server. And that is disappointing, but understandable. You’re going to want to tip all of your normal tip service workers. So, the valets, the taxi drivers, the, uh, definitely the Uber and Lyft drivers, where that is where they’re getting the majority of their income, as well as your servers.
Aislyn: The world is complicated, however, so there is one caveat.
Dr. Peters: Places like California, Washington, D.C. have actually gotten rid of that tiered system of how much you pay an individual. So if you’re going to work as a waitress in California, you now need to receive the normal minimum wage. So the tipping scenario is not trying to make up between that $2.35 and the typical $10 to $15 that we pay another type of service worker.
Aislyn: Dr. Peters says the old way of tipping—where the person is making a very minimal hourly wage—means that we’re subsidizing part of their wages with our tips. And that is a positive thing to do. But like she said, in certain places, such as California and D.C. that’s no longer true. So you can actually think about tipping a little less in these places that are paying people a livable wage before tips.
Dr. Peters: It should go back to what it was originally intended to be, which is a “thank you for this extra good service. I really appreciate all the time. I’m a regular here and I want you to remember me and, and help out in that way.” And so we should hopefully see a shift back to more of the gratuity rather than the tip.
Aislyn: To figure out where and when to apply this, Dr. Peters says Googling minimum wages for each state where you’re traveling.
Dr. Peters: I am not joking. Every time I take a trip outside of my home state, I am going to google and find out what the rules are, what the typical wages are, so that I know where and when my money is really needed and appreciated and I can feel good about it.
Aislyn: What about traveling to a state where they do have a higher minimum wage? How do you adjust your, your tipping practices? Is it still 20 percent in a restaurant?
Dr. Peters: So that’s really interesting. Um, no, actually I move it down to 15. So it’s, it’s still a pretty good tip, but it, and I’m still saying, thank you for the service, especially when I have good service. And if my waitress or waiter goes above and beyond. The other day, for instance, I really wanted a dish. They said, Oh, we’re out.
And I’m like, Oh darn. That’s why I came to this restaurant. She went back and convinced the chef, um, to make one of them, even though they had run out for the day. Obviously I’m going to tip more for that type of special treatment and it should still be 20, 25 percent depending on the bill, um, that is going on.
But when you’re going to a state that already got a higher wage, then it is OK to bring it down and understand it’s a gratuity. So ranging between that 10 and 20 percent rather than that, you know, 15 to 25 is an acceptable item.
Aislyn: So OK, in states where the minimum wage is low, tip 20 percent for good service. In states with a higher minimum wage, it’s OK to tip 15 percent for good service. But what about when you have really bad service? Etiquette expert Elaine, has some advice.
Elaine: If you’re dining in, for great services is 20 percent and above. For your average service is 15 percent and for poor service is 10 percent.
However, with that 10 percent because you’re going below the average, my recommendation is to make sure that you’ve done kind of a double check.
Meaning, you are lowering the tip because the server themself has not met your standards. We’re not talking about whether my food was ill prepared or I didn’t like this about the food or this about what have you, but it really needs to be the fault of the server.
Aislyn: Elaine says she gives a lower tip if the server ignored her, never checked on her, acted as if she was bothering them (admittedly, these are pretty rare occurrences.) But she also suggests that people try and fix it before they get to the point of leaving a low tip.
Elaine: And if you’re going to adjust the tip, my recommendation is that you try to rectify it first. Let the manager know, let the person know, whatever it is. So that this way they have on record that this is what it was. They’re not just looking at you and thinking, Oh, what a jerk.
Aislyn: All of these suggestions only apply to dine-in service, where you’re actually sitting down at a table and someone is bringing you your food. We’ll be back with tips on what to do in that dreaded coffee shop situation after this word from our sponsors.
Elaine: The only place that you are required to tip is when you are sitting down at a table and you are being served your food. That is the only instance where a tip is absolutely required.
So here’s a little hack to remember for dining out. If you’re standing and receiving your food and taking it to go or what have you and so forth, you do not have to tip. Meaning if you’re at a counter and you’re ordering your sandwich or the barista, what have you.
Aislyn: I love that distinction, by the way. If you’re standing up, you don’t have to. But do you, are there times where you do, like, maybe you have a rapport with your barista, you go there every day, or they’ve, is it more of like, they’ve gone above and beyond?
Elaine: Above and beyond. Yes. So the example is, is just what you gave. Maybe it’s the barista and they know your order because you go there regularly or perhaps you had a really large order or the person was just very, very nice that day and handled a long line and they were just moving and shaking and, and, and seemed to make it seamless.
That’s when you can say, wow, I really appreciate you. And I’m going to show you. I’m going to show you that I appreciate you in a tangible way.
Aislyn: Yes. Yeah. OK. That’s great. I think so for me personally, one of the things that feels the most uncomfortable around, especially digital tipping is when the person is there and they’re watching you make your choice, either whether you’re sitting at a table and they hand you the little digital device or you’re at the like coffee shop and . . . so how do you handle that? ’Cause you’re like, I don’t want, I’m not a bad person, I swear, but I maybe I’m not going to tip right now.
Elaine: Don’t give into the societal pressure. Press the big, red “no tip” button and spin that thing right back around to them and pay for your meal. Really and truly. I really want folks to feel empowered and know that this is not—it is not required. It is not required. It is up to your discretion. You have the ability to say yes or no.
I’m going to leave a tip and this is how much, but you do not have to, should you not choose to do so.
Aislyn: OK. All right. Elaine says “No.” Just press the red button.
Elaine: Press the red button, spin it right then. Turn it right back around on him. I bought, I went to a sandwich shop just yesterday and uh, everybody was really nice. They were very kind and polite because that’s what you’re supposed to do. And, and the button was looking up there, to tip. And it said, “not this time.”
And I just pressed the “not this time” and kept it going and was still very polite to everyone and said, thank you and so forth. And, and that was it and enjoyed my sandwich.
Aislyn: Food, of course, is one of the main issues around tipping that we face while traveling: You eat two or three times a day. But there’s getting to and from the airport.
Elaine: So it is customary to tip the van driver, uh, that’s shuttling you to and from the airport. So if you take the airport shuttle and the van driver, or you park your vehicle at the airport and then take a shuttle from there, that the van driver, if they touch your bag, if they’re lifting and hoisting your bags, it is customary to tip anywhere from $1 to $2 per bag.
Aislyn: And there’s checking into your hotel.
Elaine: Once you get to your destination, if you’re checking into a hotel, then again, this is where we start to see the tipping again. Someone’s handling your bags, then you should tip them. So once you get to the hotel, if you have bellmen who are bringing, uh, the, your bags to your room, if they bring your bag to your room and drop them off, that could be anywhere from a $5 to $10 tip.
But if they bring, they bring them to your room, they carry them in. They hang up the coat bag, they put your bag on top of the, the luggage rack. Uh, you know, and also with the higher the level of the, of the hotel as well, then that’s when you get up a little bit higher to, to, uh $15, $20 or more.
Aislyn: And what about valet? Like how do you calculate a valet?
Elaine: Oh, sure. A valet tip is anywhere from $3 to $5 or more depending on where you’re parking. So let’s say for example, you really realize that, uh, you’re parking at somewhere, you know, whatever the location is, what have you. And you recognize that, you know what? This is a long trek for these, these, these folks.
Uh, and, and it’s windy and so on and so forth. And you think, you know what? This is, this is a lot that’s going on here and golly these folks were so kind. They opened my door, they opened the passenger’s door, you know, they moved my seat back into the proper place.
Aislyn: Oh, that’s nice. That is a nice one. Yay.
Elaine: You can go a little bit above and beyond. You can.
Aislyn: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Elaine: And I think the tip can kind of match the environment. Let’s say, for example, you are uh, dining or something at a restaurant that, um, you know, five-star restaurants or what have you, just something that’s a little more, uh, upscale, if you will, then, uh, then the tip can reflect that as well.
Aislyn: And finally, there’s the housekeeping question.
Dr. Peters: The best suggestion would be to go ahead and tip your maid daily, uh, assuming you get daily room cleaning services. Do not wait for a maid till the end of your trip. That is a very bad tip etiquette because your maid may change every day.
And if you wait and say, spend an entire week at a hotel and then you tip at the end for that great service. You may be tipping the person who only cleaned your, your, uh, hotel on that Saturday when you checked out and that regular weekday maid, may get nothing.
Aislyn: I never thought about that. Do you recommend, like, $5? That’s what I usually have done is, like, $5 a night.
Dr. Peters: $5 a night is a very typical one for a standard hotel. If you’re at the Four Seasons, it should probably be a little higher. But yes, $5 a night is a good amount to tip.
Aislyn: As for that icky or awkward feeling you get when in a tipping situation where you don’t have space to decide? Remember it’s totally normal.
Dr. Peters: Humans are naturally poised to think that everybody thinks of ourselves much more than they actually do. And I know that sounds really weird but your awkward feeling is not the only person feeling awkward in that moment, that waiter or waitress or whoever it is that is handing you that bill, oftentimes they report an even higher level of awkwardness.
They hate having to hand that to you and saying: “Can you please tip me?” It’s a really embarrassing situation for them as well. So recognizing that we’ve got two people probably feeling slightly awkward, um, understand that that probably means that you’re going to be OK.
Aislyn: And it’s so fast. And I have often found myself in that position where I have to make a decision so quickly and because I feel so uncomfortable and I don’t want to be perceived as like not trying to be respectful or caring. I’ll just hit the, you know, 20 or even the 25. It just happens like that, right?
So finding some time to just kind of stop and think about it. I love it when they leave the device and walk away. That really helps.
Dr. Peters: One thing I want to actually quiz you on. Why do you think we tip in the first place? There’s several different reasons why, but the number one reasons are things like: I want to say thank you because I had good service.
Right? But the number two reason is I want to ensure that the next time I come back, I also receive good service. But we’re talking about traveling in this scenario, right? When are you going to go back to that restaurant? Are you going to have that same waiter or waitress over and over again? The whole fundamental idea behind gratuities and tipping was originally that you were going to ensure a continued relationship with the person who’s providing you that service or the restaurant that’s providing you that service.
And what we’re finding is that that, that logic is disappearing, um, and is really being replaced by this, I’m helping pay for their salary. And depending on your mindset, should in that moment help you decide where you want to put that number.
Aislyn: Got it. ’Cause I think I do fall on the side of like, I feel like I am responsible for supplementing this income. I need to help compensate for lower wages.
Dr. Peters: In which case, then hit that 20 percent and, and move on and even if it wasn’t great service.
Aislyn: When we travel internationally, tipping customs range from country to country. One universal thing to check is if and how cash is used.
Dr. Peters: When you’re overseas, a lot of times there is no cash. Have you tried to spend cash in England recently? It is almost impossible. Every restaurant is cashless. Every taxi is cashless that I have gone into. Uh, so they’ve really moved away from it. You can’t even pay cash to get on the, um, the subway anymore in a lot of places. Because it’s all electronic and you just you tap your phone instead and use Apple Pay.
Aislyn: As always, Google is your friend, says Dr. Peters.
Dr. Peters: It’s pretty accurate. Please go and find out what the customs are in the local area, as well as to find out that cash versus card scenario that is there. Because it’s, it’s horrible when you try to give somebody money and it turns out that that’s not the appropriate thing. It’s even worse when they need that money and expect that money and you have no cash on you, right?
Aislyn: And then . . . don’t assume that dollars are OK.
Dr. Peters: That is a very pompous attitude by many Americans that they just assume that when they go over there that somebody will accept their dollars just like they’ll accept their pounds or, or euro or, or yen or won, you know, there’s so many other currencies out there. Please do not make that mistake.
Uh, I know when a lot of people head to Mexico, for instance, it’s pretty common to still bring dollars, uh, when you’re going to a large resort. And a lot of them do switch it over. They can exchange. It’s not uncommon to have dollars for your tipping. Um, however, to be honest, those individuals would much prefer pesos because then they don’t have to go through the expense of switching their money, uh, to their local currency.
Aislyn: And finally . . .
Dr. Peters: Have fun. Enjoy it. Don’t worry too much about this. The reality is ask the local. You can very easily do that. I always ask the taxi guy when I first get into a new country: Hey, what’s the typical tradition here?
What am I supposed to do? And most of the time they’re very happy. They’re not just going to try to deceive you and try so that they can get money out of you.
They tell me. The first time I was in Australia, they looked at me like, well, first of all, we don’t tip taxis. Like that’s what they told me. I’m like, OK, good to know. And then they explained that when you go to a restaurant, it really is a dollar or $2 because they make a living wage over there. The waiters are making $20, $25 an hour at the time when I was over there, which is a little dated, um, but it is a tradition. So ask around, feel free to ask ’cause you’re just trying to be respectful and people will respond to that.
Aislyn: And I think that sums it up nicely: Lead with respect in all that you do, but don’t let the constant requests for tips wear you down. And hot tip: Make sure that you include tips as part of your travel budget, because they can really add up.
Next time I’m at a coffee shop, I think I’ll feel a little less guilty if I say “no thank you.” And a big thank you to both Elaine and Dr. Peters. We’ve included links to their websites and work in our show notes, as well as to a few country specific tipping resources on Afar.com.
Next week, we’ll be back with a guide to Canada’s most delightful winter destination: the Yukon.
Ready for more unpacking? Visit afar.com, and be sure to follow us on Instagram and Twitter. The magazine is @afarmedia. If you enjoyed today’s exploration, I hope you’ll come back for more great stories. Subscribing makes this easy! You can find Unpacked on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or your favorite podcast platform. And be sure to rate and review the show. It helps other travelers find it. We also want to hear from you: Is there a travel dilemma, trend, or topic you’d like us to explore? Drop us a line at afar.com/feedback or email us at unpacked@afar.com.
This has been Unpacked, a production of AFAR Media. The podcast is produced by Aislyn Greene and Nikki Galteland. Music composition by Chris Colin.
And remember: The world is complicated. We’re here to help you unpack it.
